• Booktastically Amazing

How to Kill Someone (according to very good, very sane books)

Osiyo, fellow hoomans! I hope life hasn't killed you (forget the title for a sec) and that you're ready for more torture and tiresome things, because a well all know, life isn't exactly nice every day.

That's why this post exists. *WINK*

Every mention of killing and murder is for educational purposes and not to actually kill someone. For that action would have severe consequences, and I don't have enough money to bail y'all out.

Fictional characters naturally are prone to fantasizing about killing, one way or another. That's what builds them up, at times. I say 'fictional' because I don't need the FBI agent who's currently frowning on the lot of memes I have set to explode every time they open their computer, to acknowledge that maybe I shouldn't be amongst other wonderful beings, sucking out their life will and creativity (you didn't hear it from me!).

1. Preparation

Every time a character goes on an angry fantasizing mode, they mostly craft out the stupidest plan in existence and decide 'oh well, I should probably not do it, but somehow, my curiosity is too strong to contain, so whatever'. Because we all are aware that YA protagonists are the smartest of the lot. Considering, they're teenagers with daddy issues and... more issues? Maybe a boyfriend cheated on them when they caught him flirting with the window pane, or perhaps a long-lost father runs a mafia business that contracts evil cake bakers to dough up the world. In short, they have been planning this dumb plan for a while. And this includes the optimistic protagonist who thinks one of three things will happen:

  • She will talk to the evil doer.

  • She will think the evil doer isn't evil anymore and had a change of heart.

  • Evil doer kills her.

But this seldom happens, so when you feel like you're reading a type of book in which the MC is as intelligent as a pile of seaweed, and even that, has more DNA than her. Remember that it could be so much worse.

2. Preparation Failed

I am as surprised as you are! How could a plan with so much potential and thought out action, fail so spectacularly? I have no idea. What I do know is that the girl got busted by several people and now they've become a part of an inseparable gang that's still trying to kill someone, but all of them seem to have the conscience of Saint something. Minus that one guy. Yep, that one guy that makes us (me) swoon with his near crazy persona that feels no pain and somehow ends up falling for the Girl With The Dumb Plan (read: GWTDP), but that's another theme that I wouldn't dare touch on now. Well, the one guy decides that everyone is basically worthless and that they should just outright kill the person.

3. Intervention

Person doesn't get killed. 200 pages have gone past, That One Guy is as obvious as ever in his hatred for waiting (same, boo, same) and the rest of the squad is eager to just get it all done. So what do they do? They go out! They have fun, murder far from their brains (even though the whole entire book is based on that), kisses are slobbered, teeth are knocked out, and basically, one or two gets kidnapped. This brings us to phase 4.

4. Revenge (but not really)

There's a very high chance that the MC finally grows a pair of cells that jumpstart her entire brain and decides 'I AM TIRED OF THE PAIN, I AM TIRED OF THIS. I SHALL GO ON A KILLING SPREE'. In which That One Guy will maybe contradict her by saying this is not who she is, she is kind, loving, nurturing. A good person. Well, Girl With the Dumb Plan doesn't think so. She is adamant about rescuing her 'friends, but not really friends' and manages to either secure the bag with a decent plan with the odds against it, or a very bad plan that still ends up working out. She finds her friends, kills some people, feels bad about it, kills some more people minus the person she wanted to kill since the beginning (this too could be applied to the government) and finds peace with her newly reunited squad.

5. The End (maybe not)

Can you remember the last time I mentioned the guy we were supposed to be killing? Well, me neither. Because the whole book is almost over and the gang is still fighting about the guy that should've been dead already but isn't. Somehow, though, in the middle of the night, The Girl With The Dumb Plan, sneaks out. Thinks herself a burglar, jumps through a window, kills some people, finds the person that she was supposed to kill all along, and says something along the lines of:

'I am fury'

Which is iconic, if all of us couldn't tell.


Well, that was a very quick course on How (not) to Kill someone for 500 pages straight, and basically, I shall give a quick study guide for those that want this for studying purposes.

  • Prepare to kill. Fantasize about it. Imagine their breaths wattling out of their frail, dying lungs.

  • Fail at that so spectacularly, you get five therapists.

  • Go out, pretend y'all aren't in a war.

  • Try to do something you can't. Like, scale a building and fall into the arms of an awaiting guard (second love interest, of course)

  • Kill the person with no regret and spend the next two books regretting everything and questioning your moral compass.

I hope y'all enjoyed this, and I'll see you when people stop trying to try my patience~!

Adios and stay sassy, dear deadlings!