• Booktastically Amazing

A Quick & Simple Guide On How to Convert a Friend Into a Book Obsessor// illegal stuff included

Okay so, MAYBE illegal stuff included-

Hello, deadly readers! I am too imaginative to come up with a serious and introspective intro, so we'll delve right in.


You know, the world would be so bleak without people like us justifying illegal activity for the better reading good.

And that's why we're the hidden knives in the folds of the naive.

Step Uno

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So, the basic first step would be to give a non reader a book that most resembles a movie of their liking and hope for the best.

Right?

Now, let's take it a tad further. If they don't read the book after you say that it is 'JUST' like a movie they love, you can resort to one of three options:

a.) Realize this is futile and honestly, why even-

b.) Notice the fact that they made a tiny pause before saying yes, THUS cementing the beautiful fact that you have things to work with.

c.) Kidnap them.

If you chose option a.) No need for further action, go enjoy some popcorn and watch the drama unfold.

If you chose option b.) The steps shall continue as normal.

And if you chose option c.) I don't have a basement, but I do own a small quantity of forest space where you can hide the kidnapped friends until they realize that reading the book is much better than eating delicious maggots for at least thirteen days.

After three hours the trail must've gone cold, so if nobody suspects you- go ahead and convince them to read your own way, dahlings!

Step Dos

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Meddle your way into their lives, lovingly stalk their likings and dislikes. Ask around, done a disguise when spying their homes (with their permission of course, maybe don't say it like that because people are oddly suspicious of masked individuals in their homes), fall for the irresistible neighbor- *COUGH* As I was saying, probably bring your super unique, super prepared detective kit that most likely includes the following:


All following images were drawn by my three am self-

(I thought I wrote school and I almost had a heart attack)

  • Fashionable finger less gloves. (hiding your prints is so out of fashion)



  • A knife for lock picking (if they can't see you were trying desperately to get into a room, does it even matter?)



  • Legos for intruders.





  • A curtain for ghosts.


  • A calculator, since it's obvious that the only way we'll use Trigonometry is to calculate the angle which we'll have to jump if we want to fall without dying. The Pythagorean Theorem is oddly useful for that.


  • A coloring book for when you find nothing interesting and boredom feels like a literal killer.

Step Tres


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Since you already found their weakness, now it's time to implement a psychological manipulation. When I took a Psychology class last semester, I saw the ways I could use it to convince non readers to read without kidnapping them (resort to option c if your mind has changed). There's a method used for persuasion called: 'Tell everybody you're pregnant, though you're not but they'll THINK you are, so then you can say 'oh, my bad, I meant I failed the Bio exam' and they'll most likely be more concentrated on the fact that you were with a metaphorical child, rather than automatically focus on the fact that grades have plummeted or died.

If you were to apply this to a bookish scenario, you could name at least three books you KNOW the person won't like (this is when you already recommended a book they're SUPPOSED to like, but they didn't read it) and then slide in the one you're definitely sure will catch the victim's attention.

Step Cuatro

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Perhaps one of the most important. This is when either Step Tres worked or you have to start all over. But let's say it worked. The person read the book, they either loved it or felt meh about it (if they felt meh, jump in with a direct hit to the trachea with a similar book) and now... what? How will you keep them loving books?

If they loved the book you recommended, it's a matter of time before you can show the list of other books like that one. Grain by grain, you can pull the chicken's head (or something like that) and you've got a baby reader you can send bookish memes to!

Also, if they're avid Social Mediators, just send the funniest ish you can find- centered around books- while they read and be like:

"AHAHAHHA, ISN'T THIS SO FUNNY- AHAHAHHAHA"

(make sure the laugh is convincing enough though, you wouldn't want for them to catch up on the plan)

Step Cinco

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This is the relaxation stage. You've completed the mission, your life's purpose has been approved for assassin level, and you know what? I'm so bloody proud of you!

Now, get ready with extra recs and a LOT of goodreads action, because you created a monster.


I hope you enjoyed this, and do you have any tips to add?